• nuke@sh.itjust.works
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    3 days ago

    Friendly reminder to be noncredible. Don’t actually attack other people for their religious beliefs. If you don’t have a funny take, and you’re just here to spread hate, maybe shut the fuck up instead 👍

  • Oni_eyes@sh.itjust.works
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    2 days ago

    Depends, can the Amish get the support of the states with former Mormon bounty laws? That would be a wild mercenary third party

  • tinfoilhat@lemmy.ml
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    2 days ago

    I’d fight alongside the Amish because they make nice ass furniture. I’ll control the drones while they reload their muskets.

  • AVincentInSpace@pawb.social
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    2 days ago

    Mormons, no question. Unlike the Amish they believe in using technology, and as a bonus, some of the best city planning in America is in Utah

  • wieson@feddit.org
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    3 days ago

    In the first week, the Mormon airforce rises into the air and starts a carpet bombing campaign.

    Seemingly, the Amish are destroyed as there are no signs of fighting back. The Mormon missionaries move in to pacify the newly conquered territory. But all the towns are dead and empty.

    After two weeks of raising the Mormon flags everywhere, the top brass gets a notice: several Amish towns have sprung up in the hinterlands. Quickly the Mormon army rushes in but all they find are desolated settlements.

    General after general gets burn-out from this game of whack-a-mole. The Mormons want a fight but the pacifist Amish aren’t playing along. The Mormon youth gets dissatisfied with their rulers who called then into a war and are not delivering.

    On the other side of the curtain, the Amish are not allowed to fight back. They simply leave their homes and rebuild somewhere else, especially in places the Mormon army just left. But some amongst them are of the opinion that, although fighting is strictly prohibited, a few accident should be within the rules.

    So the numbers of unexplained explosions in the Mormon homeland start to rise. It’s just the beginning, but the methane tanks on the Amish dairy farms overfloweth.

    A Mormon officer suggests arming local cheese lords to get a hold of the situation. Wherever have we seen that before?

    • Omega_Man@lemmy.world
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      2 days ago

      My only proposed time dit: Due to their uncanny ability to construct elaborate building in a single day, the Amish continue constructing full barns and houses at each site.

  • FiniteBanjo@lemmy.today
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    3 days ago

    I’m in the firm belief that Amish are crazy but harmless.

    Mormons are not that. Mormons are a modern organization, and one that is ruthless and demanding of its followers, and with funding to spare.

  • HelixDab2@lemm.ee
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    3 days ago

    <serious>

    Mormons. And it’s over in a week, tops.

    Mormons are really into guns on the whole. There’s an entire fundie Mormon clan (the Kingstons) that own Desert Tech, an arms manufacturer. Mormons in general have a very high rate of enlistment in military services, while the Amish are pacifists and opposed to any form of modern technology. And don’t forget that you have the Deseret Nationalists that are quite willing to murder for their religion.

    • Mirshe@lemmy.world
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      3 days ago

      Don’t forget that there are still some people trying to make Blood Libel a thing again in the mainline church as well!

      • HelixDab2@lemm.ee
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        3 days ago

        I think you mean “blood atonement”, not “blood libel”. Blood libel is about Jews (supposedly) killing Christian babies. And yeah, those are the DezNat people.

  • CheesyGordita@lemmy.world
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    3 days ago

    Mormons. They already have an army of ~70k extremely impressionable 18-20 year olds (missionaries) hopped up on dirty sodas and sexual repression ready to do whatever for their prophet in the name of god.

    Source: was Mormon, was missionary, still live in Utah. lol

      • CheesyGordita@lemmy.world
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        3 days ago

        Soda with mix ins. Like flavor mix ins. So you go to a soda shop, ask for a Dr Pepper, then get like vanilla, coconut, or raspberry, etc mix ins. Kinda like an Italian soda. It’s huge here in utah.

          • sugar_in_your_tea@sh.itjust.works
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            2 days ago

            Nobody ever said they couldn’t, the only proscription is on “hot drinks,” which has been interpreted as “coffee and tea.” The anti-caffeine people are the “spirit of the law” people, and for decades, Coke sold caffeine-free versions of their products to BYU (that ended relatively recently).

            • Oni_eyes@sh.itjust.works
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              1 day ago

              Huh, TIL. Had some classmates that are Mormon growing up and I guess they were from the spirit of the law group.

          • Lightor@lemmy.world
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            3 days ago

            I moved here from NY and it surprised me. I think it’s because they can’t have coffee and such, so they drink a ton of soda. Coffee bad, but a 44 oz Coke at 8am, totally fine.

            • figjam@midwest.social
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              2 days ago

              I had a mormon friend who was similar and it was just jarring the amount of diet mountain dew that he could put away.

          • CheesyGordita@lemmy.world
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            3 days ago

            Nah, most of them are just modern soulless rectangle buildings with little or no interior decorations. I’ve only been inside one a few years back tho. However most people just use the drive through and line up like 50 cars deep and block traffic and access to other surrounding buildings like the lemmings they are, lol

            • verity_kindle@sh.itjust.worksM
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              2 days ago

              My house will be soulless without some schweet Amish benches on the porch. Money on them to win, I have no other choice. It’s a huge ass wraparound porch.

          • skyspydude1@lemmy.world
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            3 days ago

            Yes, but imagine they’re as prolific as Starbucks and with 5x the amount of sugar as a normal soda. Everyone thinks the south is the sugary drink capital of the US, with Coca-Cola being in Georgia and sweet tea being the official drink south of the Mason-Dixon, but compared to the shit that comes out of those dirty soda shops in Utah, they’re like LaCroix and plain black tea by comparison.

            Since they can’t do “hot drinks”, my coworkers there would typically drink 2-3 Monsters or 20oz bottles of Mountain Dew in a typical workday. It was absolutely insane to see.

          • sugar_in_your_tea@sh.itjust.works
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            2 days ago

            Think of Sonic, but on steroids. There are chains of soda shops here in Utah who literally only sell soda, and they have every mixin you can think of. Mango puree? Yup. Gummy bears? You bet! Peeps? What do you think we are, amateurs??

            Come visit Utah, where everyone is speed-running diabetes. Why? Because the 64oz soda holders in our massive trucks need to be filled, and not with peasant sodas from Maverick or 7/11, but with real, artisan sodas with crazy mixins and whatnot.

  • HobbitFoot @thelemmy.club
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    3 days ago

    The Mormon Church has historical experience in low-intensity conflict, has members surprisingly embedded in diplomatic circles, has experience in power projection, and is fucking rich.

    Mormons aren’t just going to be soaking, but soaking in Amish blood.

    • figaro@lemdro.id
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      3 days ago

      Lolll soaking.

      Spot on though. The Mormon church has connections and infinite money, rivaling the Catholic Church in terms of wealth (and only increasing by the year). Their current estimated value is over 200 billion, in real estate, land, and investments. They own significant holdings in farmland all over the country including 1% of the entire landmass of Florida.

      Historically speaking, the church already went to war against the United States, and attempted to assassinate a governor (unsuccessfully). 1800’s Mormons were nuts.

      Obligatory note - I grew up Mormon. I don’t recommend joining the church. Their beliefs are objectively incorrect and oftentimes harmful. They have a cool history though.